As our minister, David, reports, this Sunday is a big day for St Silas – we will enjoy the company of not one but two bishops, for a very special service of baptisms and confirmations. David has asked us all to “behave”.
So of course the natural thing to do is think of 101 things to do when the bishop visits church. You know the routine, join in with your own suggestions!
- Sit at the back with a sign saying “the only good bishop is a Harold Bishop”
- Use a catapult and ammo to try to dislodge the bishop’s tall hat thing. Extra points if you can also f’ting! the communion silver.
- Loudly and excitedly whisper “look, it’s the Pope!” at the start of the service.
- Grill the bishop afterwards about his views on the Windsor Report: should the Royal Family really have a second home in the country?
- Go up to the bishop afterwards and say “nice walking stick. How long will you be using it for?”
- Encourage your friends to all come dressed as bishops, as a mark of respect and welcome.
- Encourage your friends to all come dressed as Harold Bishop, as a mark of… well, I’m not sure what.
- Hide. Get everyone else to hide too.
- Make your phone go off loudly in the middle of the service. Stand up and announce that it’s the Primus on the line.
- Compliment the bishop on his ability to walk forwards in a straight line – tell him you thought he was only capable of walking diagonally.
Friday October 20 2006 at 7:36 pm |
11. When the bishop(s) come out with their Croziers (shepherd’s crook thing) we should all start making “Baaa” noises.
12. … or we could subtly hide toy sheep in various places around the church.
Saturday October 21 2006 at 2:05 am |
13. repeatedly say “bish” whilst hopping
Saturday October 21 2006 at 2:07 am |
14. sing “aaaaaaaah” reverentially over a long period of time. Try and harmonise with other “aaaaaaah”s, thus creating the impression of other-worldliness.
Saturday October 21 2006 at 2:08 am |
15. Inform him that you have 99 problems, but a bishop ain’t one.
Saturday October 21 2006 at 2:09 am |
16. In your best Wallace & Grommit voice, enquire if anyone else can smell that Stinking Bishop.
Saturday October 21 2006 at 2:11 am |
17. Inform him that you really like his clothes, and did he get them in the bishop shop?
Saturday October 21 2006 at 2:17 am |
18. Ask them to hold your large inflatable chicken (note, this can be imaginary) and then back away slowly, looking afraid.
Saturday October 21 2006 at 11:21 am |
19. Install a very small diving board on the baptism pool, and use various modes of acrobatic dives to illustrate his sermon points.
20. Greet the bishop in full Scuba gear, introducing yourself as the safety diver for this evening
Saturday October 21 2006 at 4:08 pm |
21. As one walks past, with their hands in praying position, “hmmmmm” while bowing. If they walk down the middle this should produce a very nice “mexican wave” effect
22. Say loadly “awww man, check the nick a that wan, ahhhh”
NOTE: Chavish clothes are an opptional extra
Saturday October 21 2006 at 4:37 pm |
23. All trn up 15 minutes early and be SILENT..verrrry verrry silent from the minute you go in and at all times. the Bish won’t notice the difference but it would freak out the vicar which could be fun!
24. Whenever the Bish enters, every one cock their heads to the side.. squint their eyes and stare at his feet. follow his movements around the room continuing to stare at his feet. It means nothing but see how long it takes for him to become paranoid and have to check he’s got matching shoes on.
Saturday October 21 2006 at 5:31 pm |
25. Talk to him before the service starts, welcome him and ask him if he would like to join a housegroup/join the church/come back next week. When he looks confused, look confused back.
Sunday October 22 2006 at 9:10 pm |
Oh how I pity the vicar of this church, no wonder he needs to bring in two Bishops at a time…
Anyway, no 26 Shout “I had that Richard Holloway in the back of my cab once…he talks a lot of sense”
Sunday October 22 2006 at 11:06 pm |
27. Tell him his Halloween costume looks really authentic!
Monday October 23 2006 at 4:58 pm |
28. If they approach you, say
“I don’t talk to people who associate with crooks”
Monday October 23 2006 at 4:59 pm |
29. Tell him his sermon was “wack”
Monday October 23 2006 at 7:00 pm |
Beat,
You took him home – did you tell him his sermon was ‘wack’, and if so how did he respond?
Tuesday October 24 2006 at 8:49 am |
I felt quite sorry for him actually, having to put up with my mindless small-talk.
In the course of the conversation I let slip that Glasgow was the knife-crime capital of the world. I said “but don’t worry. We’re quite easy-going. Someone might stab you, but they won’t mean you any harm by it.”
His body language seemed to say “I’m a bishop, get me out of here!”.
The “wack” thing never came up, sadly.
Was probably a long day, poor chap. Still, probably better than emptying the pool at 11.30pm. Bet you wish we just used the font, now…
Tuesday October 24 2006 at 8:53 am |
30. Ask him if those robes slow him down whilst jogging/unicycling/kayaking.
31. Ask if he’s ever been mistaken for a ghost.
32. Ask if he’s heard about the bishop, the pimp and …oh no wait…
Wednesday October 25 2006 at 10:43 pm |
33. Grumble loudly that it’s all a bit of a step down from last week, when the Pope was preaching.
34. Ask to borrow his stick because your cows have got loose.
Friday October 27 2006 at 9:47 am |
35. Actually bring a cow
Sunday October 29 2006 at 3:04 am |
36. Exclaim that you thought it was rather early for the wise men sketch