Sunday 30 October, 2005

Right then, Ceefax Page 777.

For those of you in this country, you'll know that if you go to Ceefax Page 888 on television it gives you subtitles for most programmes. Dead handy if there's no volume, you're deaf, or even if your English is not so good. It can get quite amusing in live programmes such as the news, when the typists make a few mistakes, but on the whole, Page 888 is a great concept because it helps you understand what is being said.

But what about other things about programmes that you might be wondering, that aren't so obvious? Who exactly is that actor and what else has he been in? What's that music playing in the background?

Well, Ceefax Page 777 would answer all these sorts of questions, and more. For example it might tell you "This drama was recorded in York, doubling as 18th century London. The city centre was closed for 2 days for filming." or "The man in the hat is played by such and such an actor, who you'll recognise from the paint adverts, who studied at some drama school or other, and whose past jobs include chartered accountant, and then official juggler to the King of Finland" or perhaps "The song playing in the background is from Moby's latest album. He only allowed it to be used on the condition that the two paramedics in this scene wore twizzling bow-ties." Or whatever.

All those questions you've wondered about when watching telly – and more – would be answered by Ceefax Page 777's vast team of skilled and laborious researchers. Certainly there'd be a cost to such a huge venture – so the service should be sponsored, and who better than the soft drink 7-Up?

There's definite mileage in this idea, I'm sure…

Friday 28 October, 2005

Niall in South Korea has just sent me the most indignant email for not giving him joint credit for the Celebrity Breeding Programme. Indeed, he describes himself as "founding father" of the programme. Justin also emailed to say that I'd forgotten a pairing – however, I've always thought that it was a bit distasteful because one's dead and the other is a paraplegic.

There's no pleasing some people. And you'd never catch me doing anything that is in bad taste.

Thursday 27 October, 2005

Not a lot has happened this week – it's been busy at work, and it's starting to get very dark in the evenings. It has, however, been unseasonally, even record-breakingly warm in the highlands. It was a gorgeous walk home from work today, along the river and up the hill past the castle and the Harlequin bar, folk sitting outside in the beer garden as if it was a summer's afternoon. Back over the river there was a gorgeous sunset over Craig Dunain, but by the time I'd got home and come out again with my camera, I'd missed the best of it, unfortunately.

So, in the absence of any other news, maybe I'll tell you about the Celebrity Breeding Programme I first mentioned in my Friday 14 October blog. Devised by my friend Justin and myself, this is all about bringing together celebrities with similar notable features, breeding them, and producing lots of wee kids with a strong genetic prevalence of those characteristics.

So first, we'd breed singer, songwriter and all-round receding hairline David Gray (noted for shaking his head around wildly while performing) with marathon drop-out Paula Radcliffe (who does the same while running). They'd inevitably produce lots of shaky-head kids who'd do their best Churchill the dog impressions whatever they were doing.

Secondly, Racing driver David Coulthard and sultry pop singer Sophie Ellis-Bextor would be cross-bred to produce lots of alarmingly square-headed children. And finally, lots of offspring with unnecessarily loud laughs and over-charismatic personalities could be bred by genetically combining legendary Record Breakers presenter Kris Akabussi with TV chef Rusty Lee.

The fun would really start in the third generation when you tried to get lots of kids who, for example, can't stop shaking their impossibly square heads all the time…

Any other suggestions are most welcome – drop a line on celebritybreedingprogramme@simonvarwell.co.uk.

Over the weekend, I'll tell you about Ceefax Page 777.

Sunday 23 October, 2005

Cities smell.Not all of them. But some of them. In their own distinctive, individual ways. Edinburgh, for example, has a rich yeasty, bready smell that hits you as soon as you step off the train at Waverley station, thanks to the various breweries dotted around the city. On such days, it's great to just stand on the platform and take a deep breath. One or two friends there deny there's such a smell, but that, I think, is because they are pretty conditioned to it. There's worse things to be conditioned to, I suppose.

Aberdeen, however, has the slightly more pungent aroma of fish which occasionally gets right up your nose on King Street – presumably due to the fish lorries which I suppose must run between Aberdeen and other fishing ports like Peterhead or Fraserburgh.

In Inverness, it's the grain factory on the Longman industrial estate, which depending on the stage of production can make the whole city centre stink of sheep feed. It was particularly thick and agricultural on Saturday when I went to the supermarket that just backs on to the Longman, and it was a good thing for Inverness's external projection that Caley Thistle were playing away yesterday. The smell of sheep pellets brings back memories of childhood – although I guess I should assure you that this was because we used to keep sheep, and not because it was my staple diet or anything. No, hay was far tastier and went much better on toast…

Wednesday 19 October, 2005

Last week I was in West Linton in the borders for a couple of days, and yesterday and the day before was Dumfries. That meant two very, very long drives down to the bottom of Scotland. It’s a long way, and a part of the world I really don’t know very much. The south of Scotland is that bit that you either drive through or fly over without bothering to stop.

It’s quite nice, to be honest. The scenery is a bit dull – quite undulating and boring – but pretty nevertheless, and all the towns and villages are very well-kept. Dumfries particularly was lovely, I surprised myself to discover. The centre is very nice, with lots of nice old buildings and pokey wee alleyways with olde-worlde pubs, and the river is lovely: I’ve put a few photos in the pictures page.

Still, though… it’s a bloody long way. Without wishing to be a northern parochialist (oh, go on then) it makes you wonder why anyone lives in the south – it’s all so far from anywhere!

Friday 14 October, 2005

It seems that The Sun has gone a bit Chris Morris, judging by yesterday’s front cover (right). Not that I read The Sun, I hasten to add – this was emailed to me by my friend Justin in Aberdeen, who in his defence probably read it in the staff room at his work.

Morris brought us such outrageous media satire as The Day Today and Brass Eye. They were responsible for bitingly accurate and controversial take-offs of hysterical, sensationalist over-reporting. The Sun’s front page could easily have been a Morrisism – so much so that this satire of it simply isn’t as funny as the original.

Justin has a bit of a conspiracy about the Morrisisation of the media – just look at the unnecessarily elaborate presenting you get on a lot of news programmes (think Peter Snow’s election stuff or that hyperactive weatherman who, delightfully, got recently moved from the ghost shift of BBC News 24 to primetime BBC1). Justin’s evidence includes this recent Onion satire about razor wars becoming canny prophecy some months later.

He has a lot of other ideas which I suspect could be goers too – including the Celebrity Breeding Programme, Ceefax Page 777, and Real Football. I might tell you about these one day.

Wednesday 12 October, 2005

Last night, I finished off "The Stornoway Way" by Kevin MacNeil. I've written a review in the books page, and so I'll not rave about it here.

Tomorrow I am off to West Linton, south of Edinburgh for 24 hours, and then on Monday and Tuesday to Dumfries, both trips for work. I had a look at the map earlier today – they are so far south! I'll watch out for dragons and bandits on my travels.

Monday 10 October, 2005

A friend of mine has just emailed me this delightfully sweet thought for the day:

Some people are like slinkies – they’re not good for anything,
but they still bring a smile to your face if you push them down the stairs.

Is it wrong that I’m still laughing at this?

Probably, but what the heck, it’s cheered me up!

Sunday 9 October, 2005

Last night’s pint or two finished up in Hootananny’s, where a ska band were playing, the drummer of whom was known by a friend of one of us. So on my friend’s friend’s recommendation we toddled along and it turned out to be a fantastic gig. The band were called Bombskare, a ten-piece band that included brass, guitars, drums and keyboard, and who were holding the crowd in the upstairs bar absolutely captive with their great sounds as they crammed their number onto a stage that usually accommodates a four piece rock band.

According to their website, the Edinburgh-based band seems keen on taking their music not just to big cities (like Inverness!) but to further-flung places like Orkney, Shetland and Newcastle, and it’s always encouraging when artists take the effort to do this. It was a brilliant show, and the music was outstanding – everything from revamped reggae to Frank Zappa (or Frank Skank, as they called it). They even did a cover of the Inspector Gadget theme tune that really had to be heard to be believed. And there was no danger of me not hearing them – I was right at the front and my ears are still ringing eighteen hours later.

Talking of Orkney, I’ve just put a few pictures up of my trip there last week.

Saturday 8 October, 2005

My day so far has been thus:

11.00am – wake up, have shower, get dressed.
12.00pm – make humungous bacon and egg roll for lunch.
2.00pm – go to the supermarket to buy Irn Bru and a new toothbrush (rather like buying whisky and Ibuprofen together, I know).
3.00pm – listen to the first half of Scotland v Belarus.
3.45pm – nip to the barbers, find it’s shut early. Come back.
4.00pm – listen to second half.

The rest of the day will consist of eating, then meeting a couple of friends for a pint or two.

I love Saturdays.

I was reading the first few chapters of Kevin MacNeil’s “The Stornoway Way” last night – in which the narrating character muses that if we are created in God’s image, then surely we have been created to be creative. A wonderful philosophy, and something I will aspire to be in life… just not on a Saturday.

Apart from the bacon and egg roll – that was a work of art.